The Relationship Cycle: from creation to reset

I remember being in my late teens, maybe early twenties, and with a couple of friends we mapped out all the relationships, kisses, flirtations, and dramas that had gone on within our friendship circle over the years. Fuelled by a moderate amount of cheap wine, it was a silly and funny exercise, never to be spoken of again. Yet, that messy web of connections; the crossovers, the surprising dalliances, the long-term friendships and relationships, were not dissimilar to the complex relationships I see in my adult life. From fleeting conversations to the long-distance but life-long friendships, from daily connections with my immediate circle, to virtual relationships via social media.

So many people, so many hundreds of connections, and yet, when life throws us a curveball, those lines can get wobbly, the connection can falter, we can get cut-off. How do we know the connection will stay strong, or if it can endure trauma? Does every friendship serve us in the same way throughout life, and do we always need them all?

It’s difficult to know. My immediate family: husband, kids, parents, brother, and in-laws, are my core, my first line. Not always the go-to for everything, but their presence is constant, reliable and stable. They are balanced and require little effort.

Friendships are more complicated. I always had many friendship groups: my close friendship group, the bigger circle, the music and drama crowds, the kids in the street I’d grown up with. There were crossovers, of course, but there were so many people, and I valued all of them. Adulthood is different. Making and sustaining friendships isn’t as effortless as it was twenty years ago. I still have my mixing pot of friends: the ones I’ve known for decades, the women who became mums at the same time I did, the friends who live all over the world but who actively keep in touch. There are also the friendships that faded along the way: the people I’d so love to see, and hug, but life got in the way and it just hasn’t happened.

Then come the newer connections: expat friends, potential business partners, and clients… Navigating these anywhere is tricky, and being in a new country is no different, so much so I often find myself blurring my personal and professional intentions: am I looking for a friend, a client, or a collaborator? I don’t always know.

But one thing remains true: all of these relationships will be tested at some point. And finding ways to sustain relationships through challenging times requires work, dedication, and balance. The kind of work that means difficult conversations, the kind of dedication that means picking up that phone after six months of no contact because you’re not too proud to say, “I miss you,” and the balance that means nobody is keeping score, but there is unwavering trust and respect for boundaries.

What does this mean in practice? All relationships, romantic, platonic, professional, require different things at different times, and when we’re under stress our ability to meet the needs of others and our relationships with them can disappear. This isn’t news or a profound revelation: it’s reality. And that’s OK.

But we can’t expect that relationships will automatically endure these challenges. Despite the overwhelm, maintaining a relationship through tough times can require a reset, a realignment of boundaries and priorities, and in many cases, some bloody hard work. So how do we do that?

Language is always key. When we’re feeling lost, sad, or frustrated, our emotions tend to take over the language we use, and it doesn’t always come across in the way we intended. Switching from accusatory language like “you never…” and “why do you always….” to sentences that start with “I feel” can be a good start in expressing your own feelings, rather assigning blame.

Embracing vulnerability is essential. Airing your emotions can be freeing, and can lead to deeper conversations and connection, rather than surface-level blame and resentment. Reciprocity is also important: your friend, partner, colleague, may also need the opportunity to be vulnerable and share their feelings with you. Active listening and allowing that space for each other is essential to understanding each other’s experiences.

Consider Dan* and Casey*: their physical and psychological intimacy had suffered since the birth of their child. Casey agreed that their communication was at an all-time low but hadn’t noticed the lack of physical intimacy: she didn’t need it or want it. Dan, on the other hand, was sleeping alone at night, while Casey was with the baby, rarely got a kiss or cuddle when he came home from work and felt isolated and rejected. By opening the conversation and addressing their individual experiences as parents, and as husband and wife, they identified the gaps, better understood each other’s perspectives and could empathise without feeling forced into behaviours they weren’t comfortable with.

They also implemented the “Good, Bad, Thanks” exercise (not the most glamorous name for a coaching exercise, but so easy to remember): by protecting just five minutes each day to share a positive, a challenge, and something they were grateful to their partner for, they reset their day and reunited as a team, rather than working against each other.

Other relationships require something other than language: Sadie’s* relationship with her sister was sporadic, but at times intense and imbalanced. By acknowledging the different roles they had in their relationship, Sadie alone was able to improve her feelings toward the relationship, even without a conversation with her sister. She knew she wanted to ensure her sister felt loved, protected, and able to reach out in times of need. So, she intentionally got in touch every few weeks, irrespective of interim communication, and so satisfied her own relationship requirements by showing up even in her sister’s absence.

These examples highlight the power of identifying and acknowledging expectations and boundaries. By voicing intimate feelings, by carving out protected, intentional time for active listening, and by meeting your own expectations in a relationship, can be the start of much more balanced and fulfilling relationships.

Human connection requires care. Some relationships will fail if they are not nurtured, and if these relationships are important to you, intention and adaptation can be lifechanging. If a relationship feels unbalanced, consider how you can restore the equilibrium. You may feel working on a relationship without the input of the other people involved is unfair, but you are responsible for your own well-being and can be the catalyst for change.

So, examine your relationships, identify actionable steps, and initiate change.

*Names changed to protect client confidentiality