Pregnancy Loss and People-Pleasing

Your baby died. Your sick note has expired. You're required to go back to work. You can't let them down. You don't want to be a hassle by requesting more time off. You certainly don't want to waste the time of overworked healthcare professionals by having a conversation because you're possibly not coping. Your friend is having a baby shower tomorrow. Your colleague's son turns seven next week.

But your baby died.

How can you maintain the responsibilities of work, the reputation of being a reliable friend and trusted colleague, and ensure you don't let anyone down when you're not entirely sure you've processed what happened?

There are many different things that can prevent us from grieving the loss of our baby in a way that feels right to us. Perhaps you're traumatized by what happened and opening that door just doesn't feel safe right now. Perhaps you've experienced loss so many times before that there's an unspoken expectation you should just know how to deal with it. Maybe you've tried all the things the 'pros' on social media recommended, but now you're overwhelmed because you can't keep up with them all.

Maybe you're just trying to make sure everyone else is okay.

Pregnancy loss is deeply personal, but there is often an unspoken pressure to be strong or "move on" for the sake of others. Partners are frequently burdened with being the steady and reliable one, ensuring their partner recovers because they went through something physical as well as emotional. But where does this leave space for them to grieve their baby too? Those who are already parents often feel they need to put on a brave face to ensure their sadness, anxiety, and fear don't transfer to their other children.

Cultural and societal expectations can mean we are expected to grieve, or not grieve, the loss of our baby in a specific way that possibly doesn't align with how we feel. Any deviation from those expectations can challenge familial and community relationships.

So, what do we do? We struggle with the internal conflict between personal pain and the desire to protect loved ones from sadness. We suppress feelings of anxiety or frustration, avoid conversations that may make other people feel awkward, and we put on a brave face. We attend the events we're invited to even if it makes our stomachs turn inside out with anxiety and sadness, we return to work despite the triggering conversations with well-meaning colleagues, we follow the unsolicited advice, and we host guests in our spotless homes despite the sheer exhaustion and pain of managing grief.

And we can go on like this for a while, but it's not sustainable. Maybe you don't think of it as people-pleasing, but putting the happiness, comfort, and well-being of others before your own when you're dealing with grief can be significantly detrimental to your healing process.

There is, of course, no "right" way to grieve, but it should be your way. It should be your own authentic grief, not a process someone recommended that doesn't resonate with you. Of course, advice and tips are helpful to an extent, especially when we're stuck and truly don't know what to do next. But when they don't align with our own grief process, they can cause emotional exhaustion, resentment, and real challenges in moving forward with life after loss.

Perhaps your friend who lost her baby does yoga every morning, meditates before bed, and now attends church every weekend. She is moving forward and finding joy in life. She invites you to do the same; you join her for her morning vinyasa and try out church even though you've never been before. You can see the power it has to support her healing, but you're not feeling it. It's not for you. That's okay, and you don't need to keep going to please her. Thank her for her support, explain that it's not what you need right now, and try something different.

Everyone grieves differently, and the support we need after loss varies too. Connect to your own priorities, your narrative, and your needs. Allow others to see your pain and explore tools and techniques that work for you. There is no guidebook, there are no rules, and you may try some things that really don't sit right. Accepting that not everything will work, that not everyone grieves the same, and that you don't need to support others to the detriment of your own well-being can be a start in finding self-compassion and working through your grief on your terms.